I am smart! I swear!

A trip to Key West doesn’t usually end up being very interesting, at least not by event. You go out, you get some sun and you manage to get drunk a few times a day while you’re here. The trip south took a mere 8.5 hours but thanks to the efforts of my traveling companions I had a myers and coke waiting for me when I pulled up to the hotel. I was pretty tired from the drive and the girls didn’t feel like doing much the first night so we closed both the hotels bars and spent the rest of the night talking nonsense on the balcony of our phenomenal hotel room (good lookin’ out Keara).

I awoke the next day to a breakfast that had been bought for me on the mini fridge and a fantastic view which had been hidden before by the night.

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I ate some, got in sun friendly gear and headed to the beach. Although there were an assortment of freaks, I didn’t have my camera and the day pretty much consisted of sitting on the beach and drinking Mai Thais, so not much to report on there. Unfortunately it was less than 24 hours from arrival before calamity came a-knockin’.

Introduce the 8 minutes of madness as we’ve come to call it. Scene: the Bull on Duval street, we go up the stairs and quickly organize a plan to maximize our drinking and fun, the girls were to grab seats that we saw vacant on the balcony and I was to get us all drinks then take them out. I said to close my tab and the bar man kindly informed me that there was a $20 minimum, so I ordered a 4th drink. While I was waiting for the 4th drink, this happened. Do these stairs look particularly perilous to anyone?


I know, I didn’t think so either, but if you’re this guy then they are apparently mt. Everest.


Stupid bastard #1 landed in that stretcher by somehow falling down those very same stairs and through the supports, through a dart board ledge and onto the floor below.

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That is a shot of the kind Monroe county employees who strapped Stupid bastard #1 to a plank and carried him out of the bar, followed by the supports he crashed through and the dart board ledge he took out on the way down. Good job buddy. You may have noticed that the picture of the dude on the stretcher was taken from the hip with no flash, that was as they carried him by me on his way out, I thought it may have been frowned upon by the bar patrons if I left the flash on.

As I track down Alika to help me carry the drinks out, she seems confused, some guy starts talking about a second situation that is happening on the other side of the bar (where the girls are). We get the drinks out and people are talking about some guy (stupid bastard #2) who may or may not have punched some poor woman during his patronship at this fine establishment. I now find out that stupid bastard #2 was actually talking to the girls while I was playing paparazzi with stupid bastard #1. He had asked them for a lighter and started ranting about his girlfriend before showing them his bloody hand. Thankfully a group of other gentlemen had been upset enough by whatever stupid bastard #2 had been doing to inform the local authorities, and it took 4 or 5 cops to get him out of the bar.


That’s the guy getting interrogated a few minutes before throwing up in front of the cops. Sorry for the poor picture quality but this particular balcony is pretty much designed to stop people like me from taking pictures of the madness going on below. There was also some (we are sure MTV related) tv show being filmed on Duval this night, we can’t really see anything of value happening here other then some whores being followed around by cameras and a sound crews, also a guy with a slice of pizza tried to interact with them and large men in black shirts promptly gave him the bums rush.


That fancy LED board is their low power solution to portable light in the field, that’s way more interesting to me then whatever these tricks are doing tonight.

Oh yea we had a good time and had drinks too…


Did I not mention our hogs?

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Yea, that’s right. What “I’m a white guy visiting Key West” experience would be complete without the obligational scooter rental?!

Damn, I really thought I could wrap up key west in one post, but I guess I can’t, gonna have to finish up tomorrow.



One Response to “I am smart! I swear!”

  1. bastard #2 – bodily fluids dude

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